My journey into the dark heart of 'FarmVille'

"What the hell is ‘FarmVille?'"

That was the question I quietly posed to myself while eating lunch at C-Street, nibbling on my sweet potato fries. I spotted the second person that day wearing a "FarmVille" T-shirt.

To those who aren't acquainted with "FarmVille," it is a mystery that nips at your Facebook notification box on a frequent basis. To those who are acquainted with it, well…

"DONT DO IT I CANT STOP IT'S WORSE THAN METH," is just one of the many dramatic warnings I received as comments back when I posted on my wall that I, Kelton Sears, was going to embark on a seven-day journey into the dark heart of "FarmVille" to find out just what this popular Facebook app was all about.

The rules for the adventure were simple. I'd play for a week straight, at least an hour a night—plenty of time to acquaint myself with the mysterious game. At the end of the week I would quit playing "FarmVille" cold turkey, regardless of how attached I might be.

The night I began, I was immediately stricken by the catchy theme song—a lovely bouncy tune that sounded straight out of the soundtrack for "Toy Story." Out popped my little FarmGuy, a blonde dude with messy hair and an unusually large head.

He looked eerily like me, minus the large head part.

The FarmWorld he lived in was a sad one, a lonely 2-by-3 dirt patch devoid of any life. Feeling rather forlorn—save for the lovely music—I began trying to figure what in God's name I was supposed to do with this game.

Over the next couple of days, I began to quickly realize what "FarmVille" is and is not.

"FarmVille" IS:

1. Played in real time. Crops with a growing time of four hours will actually take four real-life hours to grow, and some crops can take up to four days to fully mature. Due to my impatience, the first two days I dealt largely in Strawberries, the lowliest of the low when it comes to "FarmVille" crops. Strawberries grow quickly and are dirt cheap, but turn a low profit (which makes no sense because strawberries are delicious, but one can't reason with a computer).

2. Trying to take your money away. Multiple times I was presented with the option of exchanging real-life cash with something called "FarmCash" so I could buy digital villas and tractors. Do people do this? Exchange real money for fake money to buy fake things? Really?

3. More fun when you customize your character to have a jaunty 1800s moustache.

"FarmVille" IS NOT:

1. A good idea to play late at night, as you will never ever get to bed once you have started even thinking about it.

One particular night I lied in bed trying to sleep when I remembered that if I didn't harvest my pumpkins, they would die the next day. I tried to ignore this and go to bed, but the thought of waking up the next morning to a patch full of putrid pumpkins disturbed me.

I abruptly jumped on my roommate's laptop (I don't have my own yet) even though he said moments before that he was about to use it. I muttered, "dude, one sec, just one sec I promise," to him, fully knowing this was a lie.

2. Possible without forcing your friends to be your neighbor. Much of what you will accumulate through "FarmVille" will be gifted to you by friends, thereby costing you nothing. In this way "FarmVille" presents you with tangible incentives for communicating with other people, forcing even the shyest techno-introverts out of their shells in search of a fruitful acai tree, a cow or possibly even an elephant.

All the FarmAnimals I have loved

On the second day, my friend sent me a cow, which made me quite the excited little farmer. Another living being—on my farm! It jiggled happily in two-second intervals to the catchy theme music.

I called him Howard. Howard the cow, or HowCow for short. I petted my cow and hearts erupted from it.

The feeling was mutual.

After a few moments with the cow, I realized all FarmCows are girls, and that by calling my cow Howard I had most likely confused its sexual identity, but it was too late.

The cow remained Howard, and I loved him/her regardless.

I was also given a FREAKING ELEPHANT. I decided to name him Ravi, a suitably foreign sounding name, I thought.

I grew unreasonably attached to my two animals, to the point where I worried about what might happen when it came time to "harvest" them. I imagined that Howard would be turned into hamburger patties once I clicked on him after his percentage bar reached 100. I feared Ravi would have his tusks cut off and sold to make piano keys for rich British Imperialists.

Luckily, Howard was not slaughtered; he/she simply provided milk. I had wondered throughout the game what Ravi might supply when harvest time came. It turns out Ravi's harvest was Circus Peanuts.

Circus Peanuts?

Wait a minute! What? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

You FEED elephants circus peanuts. You don't wait for them to grow inside of them and then harvest them when you are done! Where would they come out anyways?

Did I reach inside Ravi's rectum and rip them out?

Did he vomit them forth from his mouth?

Did I perform a vivisection, cutting open Ravi's stomach and surgically removing them that way?

Back to FarmLife, back to reality

My saving grace throughout this experiment was rice. I grew to love planting rice for a couple of reasons. It grew quickly, and it turned a great profit. My real love of rice though stemmed from the fact that when planted, the little dirt squares on your plot flooded!